Enthralled

La Finale

2006-11-18T04:25:00.000+08:00

It's now 4.18am, been tweaking html codes since 12am, Yes its time again for a skin change.

I know a few friends who have the habit of keeping journals. I don't really have the discipline to do so, and yes I do write down some private thoughts now and then, mostly will end up on the blogsphere, one needs to read between the lines of my posts even more as time passes [and I get more jaded? :P] to understand the real conflict. So I guess in many ways I am still a writer who writes for an (imaginary?) audience.

So as people wind down to the final pages of their journal, they start looking for a fresh new book to write in. I start looking for a fresh new skin to use. And with it, a new theme, a new growth, a new season. But still the same God.

And as one who journals likes to flip back the dog-eared pages, to unwind memory's clock and remember the jumble of life's sweet and sour, I too click on the long forgotten archives and see what more than two years of memories are worth.

So I journey along the path, I remember the tears, and the laughter, I recall the idealistic thinking that I once hold, and the way that I have chosen. I touch the scars and remember the struggle. Even more I see God's faithfulness, and His love, imprinted in every page, whispered behind every heart's cry, and His grace, that has brought me safe thus far.

This blog has weathered many growing pains and storms, from being a new believer to post STPM, to my 'eventful' trip to Taiwan to my shaky beginnings in University.

And I am thankful, for every torn and tear, for every friend and foe, for every smile and struggle.
Because each painful inch of growth has bought me only in one direction, which is closer to the Father. Indeed all things works out for good for those who love Him.

Looking at the final portion of this volume of my virtual journal. Indeed I am enthralled by His grace over my wretched life. The road is still long, but may my soul learn to rest, under the Shadow of the Almighty.

Verbal dump III

2006-11-14T09:33:00.000+08:00

well today is another FINAL day of studying. Yawn and I am hungry, Quantum Mechanics might as well be in greek or french or something, nyahaha I would have just understood the same amount. But never mind that. I am eating KFC later. huhuhu. I think I am addicted to type like this (I know la you can enlarge the font) but maybe I have too much things pent up that now I am doing mind detox. hmmm, still I guess I will continue blogging normal after awhile, detox too long and you become aneroxic. Speaking of eating disorders, I think I have a problem with the I eat now. :( I struggle alot to eat healthy portions of food and in the end i end up eating way too much aka binge. Another part of my concern is my health condition, my family have a medical history of getting heart problems, cancer, diabetes etc no matter how active thier lifestyle is. It's pretty unerving and I really want to exercise self control to keep my body healthy, so that I can do more for God. I think I will go and ask for a full body check up soon (really wanna muster the courage), having black, hard growths directly under my skin for a few years now ( I just hope that I am being paranoid). Well enough of that, lately I am also getting very frustrated and irritated with certain people, I guess maybe I care too much about that particular person in a wrong way. But i have learnt from experience to keep moving on. remember my unofficially-failed paper? today i woke up with a sense of dissapointment with myself, I felt that I have indirectly failed my father (both heavenly and earthly) in a way where I did not try my best. Should have studied since early in the semester, but then it is already the past and I can't change it but I can change the present and look forward to the future, so I am moving on in that too. I hope that I can do better the coming semester even tho I foresee that I will be busier with CF. May God discipline me and teach me to use my time wisely. I also know that I have trouble surrendering to God, but He is indeed gracious to help me, even if it means pain here and there, but my God gives me grace to endure. Like the song From Kutless, All Alone. //It seems like life is out to get you//to destroy what you want// I know that you blame me for all that you go thro//it could be so different if you would just let it go// If you would change your prespective// life is not always what you want// you're all alone// running out of ways to// hold on to hope// and it always slips away// you're all alone// but you don't have to // pretend to cope // there is a brighter way.
I don't have to pretend to cope. I am entirely dependant on my God who loves me.

and so

2006-11-14T00:03:00.001+08:00

I got a new calculator to replace the new one, the Casio fx570-ES. Which has basically the same functions as my previos fx570-MS, but with NICER display. huhu. and easier to key in and switch modes. Enough of Calculator. Anyways I do not know why, maybe it's because of the exam that I really enjoy typing like this because it keeps people from reading things that I do not like them to read. Oh well. That's a whole other issue. Anyhoos I'm sure I'll resume the normal default mode soon, I just like to for once type out every single thing that goes thro my head now. I guess it must be a form of theraphy when I am in high stress. Speaking of what goes thro your head, haha a huge spectrum of thoughts went thro my head during today's electromagnetic theory final paper. Well the hours pre exam was like super stressful, I think i stressed myself too much di. When I opened the exam paper and stared at the question. My mind totally went blank, out of the 3 question required to answer I only manage one question and a little more, but still with questionable accuracy. I could not recall many concepts and formulae as easy as I use to in F6, I guess it's the price that i am paying now for slacking ALOT this semester. Well, taking that into account, I tried very very hard during the study break to catch up, but i guess it really is too late. Used one hour out of the two allocated to answer the little parts that i know (I think I know) and the other hour ransacking my brain for hidden information. T_T it was stressful at the beginning cuz i was so upset with myself for not being able to answer the questions, I already know that I flunk the paper unless some miracle happens or something. Haha I used my calculator for the sole purpose of estimating my CGPA if I failed and have to resit, ironic hor? And the more 'resah' I felt, the more I could not concentrate, so I prayed and miraculously I felt better. The peace that I at least knew that I had tried my best. and tho it's highly probable that i will fail the paper, I just had that peace within me. What was regretful was i could not perform up to the expectations of my lecturer. but i know at least I tried, with all I possibly can and that made the difference. But the lesson was learned and I really hope that i can do better next semester. I guess in a way God is teaching me how to rely on Him, many times I am just too stubborn to ask God to help me in my studies, but this semester is the first time. Indeed we need to see the depravity of our own efforts and turn to God for His abundant blessing. Well my last paper is on Wednesday, Quantum Mechanics. I hope that I will not fail this too. But all I can do is to try my best. So I'll be studying the whole of tmr, guess I better go to bed now.

Ta.

don't read.

2006-11-11T09:01:00.000+08:00

note: nonsensical words ahead, no editting what so ever.

well let me tell you one thing, i lost my calculator about two weeks ago, it's one of my most sentimental items. It has been with be through the horror of form 6 and STPM, well, already frustrated di, told dad and got a good nagging on keeping my things, i hate exam period, it's when i lose the most things. well if it weren't bad enough, after a getting a brand new calculator 6 days ago, it was missing after i took my psychology paper on thursday, can you imagine how freaing careless and stupid i am to repeat the same stupid mistake twice. which means that in the span of two weeks I lost TWO scientific calculator amounting to almost RM100 and to think that this is not the first time that i am loosing stuff, since i entered uni, i lost my wallet, hand phone, pencil case and calculator, many of them whereby i missplaced or dropped them. how stupid can one person be anyway, oh wait i forgotten to look in the mirror, the best example. I just don't understand how freaking careless can i be. so i spend the the whole of last night until four am trying to find whether I've missplaced it in my room, no avail. I have a difficult paper each on next monday and wednesday and i wasted the whole of yesterday looking for the stupid calculator. gave up at 3 am and went to take a long cold shower and slept with my hair wet, couldn't have cared less di. woke up at 7+ today morning and walked all the way to the exam hall, desperate to get back my calculator but no la where can get back one, i should be thankful that at least i did retrieved my missing wallet (cash missing) and hp. so we don't expect lightning to strike at the same place twice hor. so right now I am banging on my laptop's key board before it gets late enough to go to kota raya to get another calculator, and you know what else is bothering me? is because people who used to be missing in your life suddenly comes back and act as if they can just fit in like nothing happened and then you have to adjust yourself to accomodate them. I am just getting pretty fed up and my patience is stretched to the maximum di. does it mean that I have not forgiven them? well. I was never really angry with them i guess somewhere along the line i just gave up and who are they to come back to reclaim that spot in my life anyway. But never mind that, social graces keeps me acting prim and proper and oh so diplomatic. I am no longer that teenager full with angst. but it doesnt mean that i do not have pent up emotions. hypocrite? you bet. and you know what in alot of things i'm just plain fed up, so i started running away from Him, no one knows how hard is it to follow Him, and so hard to trust Him, It's so hard to trust when you grow up in a place where there is none. Where adults just LIE bluntly in your face, where you know that in this world there really isn't a single person that will not at one point of time hurt you. and oh you know about the love of Christ, but are you too jaded for it? have you lost the heart that longs after Him? of cause you know that He loves you but every time you look at your stained hands, you just simply cannot comprehend such love. why? because it was never present in your life anyway and you grew to believe that you of all people does not deserve such love and do not even understand. Never forget that peoplen will always dissapoint you, that way you will hurt much much less. How? should your heart be continously made of stone? or should you let go and let Christ take over. I have taken too much pain to say a definate yes. But help me trust in His love, even if all things fades and i die. May my being know that everyone around me can lie, but He never does, He never will.

Leave now. Please.

2006-11-10T19:58:00.000+08:00

[click to go to original site, wonderful poem(lyrics?) there]

I stand under the pouring rain
I have been so used to you providing me shade.
So used to your comfort
But now I stand alone.

Oh how naive was I
to ever think that I could ask you to
extend your kindness and hospitality
you, after all was not mine to keep.

Perhaps along the journey
you made me think
for a moment so brief
that I could actually covet your company.

For a fleeting second
I actually believed in your promises
and as the sunlight danced
I actually cherished you

And perhaps I actually figured
that hanging on to you was
what made my life different
and that I have the right to ask you to stay.

and for that one moment
I actually trusted you.
and let down my guard
a stupid assumption to do.

For both your sake and mine.

oh how those once warm words
now frozen into hard ice by
my expectations
piercing and chilling. Hurting.

and oh how could I
actually at that one moment
believed that I did something
to merit more from you.

How could I forget
even for that one moment
that my past will stand tall against us
and nothing you do can stop this pain.

So as you leave
and as I learn to pick up the broken pieces
do not come back
for the sake of me and my sanity.

and yet I made it a point
for you never to know, to never see these tears.
and no longer will I ask more
than what I actually deserve from you.

which is not more than a passing smile.

and when I look at what we have
I was the one holding the knife.

*jots*
I am having a hard time. Stop being so selfish. Stop being envious. Stop being so sensitive, so demanding, so sad, so everything.
I am beginning to hate myself.

What happens

2006-11-08T09:10:00.000+08:00

When you crap with your roomate 2 hours before your paper.

Last night
Suit: (to Jia) To fulfill your narcism, and to entertain you while I am in the toilet, here this wall paper is for you. You can stare at my laptop.

This wall paper

Today Morning.
Suit: *turns on laptop* Wah! SO refreshing to see this first thing in the morning, better than any morning greeting.

Jia: Ya la. This picture very nice leh. You see the sky and my shirt the same color, the flowers and Adele's shirt also same colour so harmonious, so...

Suit: . . . .

Jia: *continues* ... Well I think we should enter this snap shot into some photography competition or something.

Suit: HAHAHA and what category should we put it in?

Jia:Ya lo, that one is what I can't decide.

Suit: Of cause la, it is to beautiful to be described by mere words.

Jia: YAYAYA.

Suit: ... (failed sarcastism)

Moral of the story:
1) A picture speaks a thousand words. Literally
2) Pre-exams stress increases one's lameness exponentially.
3) The way to counter sarcastism is by perasanism.
4) Toothpaste and tooth brush marketing directors interested in asking Jia to be your model can kindly leave your comment. XD

*Readers go blind by the light reflected by Jia's pearly whites*

Everlasting

2006-11-07T00:32:00.000+08:00

“I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love.
With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”
Jeremiah 31:3(part)

Everlasting love.
It means forever
It means independent of who you are and what you do.
It means love that transcends all understanding.
It means I'll never leave you.

Everlasting love.
It means courage in the darkest hours.
It means companionship in the loneliest time
It means comfort in the deepest hurt
It means hands to hold, arms to carry, shoulder to cry on.

Everlasting love.
It means I forgive you
It means letting you choose
It means I’ll wait for you.
It means laying down my life for you.

Everlasting love means saying
"You are worth every bit of it."

"But God demonstrates His own love towards us,

in that while we were still sinners,

Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8

Stop it already

2006-11-05T05:05:00.000+08:00

Stop giving me false hopes,
I do not want to have you hurt me that way again,
but when I look at what we have
I saw that I was the one holding the knife.

I'm sorry.

I do not know who we are to each other anymore.

You know

2006-11-04T05:39:00.000+08:00

You know.
you have too much studying
when your head hurts at the very sight of your notes
when your jerk awake at crazy hours, thinking " DIE I can't finish studying/ DIE is today the exam di/ DIE I studied the wrong thing/ (in short) DIE."
when you know that the above mention statement is quite true.
when your oversaturated brain suffers a serious case of indigestion.

You know
that seriously its all your own fault for not studying consistently
that craming one whole semester worth of work into one week is just physically impossible.
that now you are reaping what you sowed.

But, You also know
that there are people supporting you in prayer
that you have a sound mind and a spirit discipline.
that right now, you can only do your very best in what little time span is left

and NEVER EVER repeat the same mistake. :(

thank you all for your support and love and for tahan-ing my bouts of crankiness, where would I be if not for friends like you ;)

雪宁

2006-11-01T17:32:00.000+08:00

人往往不能活在内疚当中。
我好想在这一切一切的混乱中获得解答。
有时我希望可以摆脱自己，因为有时人最大的敌人还是镜子里的倒影。

过去的事情虽然已不能改变，可是它在你我的身上有着深深的影响。
记忆就应此而变成了一种咒语。
摆也摆不拖，令我领悟自己的无能和不配。

不配拥有快乐，
无能展现笑容，

因为它是短暂的，然而在快乐也带着别人看不见的悲痛。
说也说不出，只好套上面具来遮盖自己,不敢面对的事实。
连哑巴吃黄连也有辛苦的样子让人看。

记忆也可以让我们从错误中学习。
让我们不但可以在夕日的黑暗和泪水画上休止符，
也能为以后的道路走的更加勇敢，更加坚强。

内疚是能够被解脱的，
当我们学习在上帝的身上获得永恒的爱和真真的原谅。
当我们了解耶稣已赦免了我们的错误，我们的罪恶，
用爱来包含我们的一切丑恶。
把我们的纪录洗得如雪一样的白。
让我们真真的可以在主得全能大爱获得安宁。

雪宁
雪白的了解中得着安宁。

*jots*
Amateur experiment with Chinese ;)
雪宁 is my name.
Snow and Peace.

Growing Up

2006-10-31T09:02:00.000+08:00

It would be great of I have found a way to tell of the jumbled up emotions I have lately.

Or rather, since I've reached my 20s.

Being a woman is complicated, you shed away the innocence, and mount on many questionable burdens. You take on responsibilities, and expectations, all in the price of maturity.

Yet people often forget that deep down inside you are still very much like a little girl, this part that will not change with age is the desire to be appreciated and accepted.

How hard it is to find true acceptance.

Many would huff and say that you should learn to grow up, to stop begging for sympathy, to get a grip.

Others throw you the icy gaze of dissaproval,
the remaining try to distract you with mindless chatter about topics that would not make them feel uncomfortable.
Anything but you, because you make them uncomfortable.

The bottomline not many really cares enough to really listen.

It's always easier to ignore the hidden hurts and pain than to face it.
Until the pasts haunts your peace, stealing your sanity, staling your life.

So in the end it really is up to you, to pick up the pieces in your life
It's really up to you, to know that your worth does not come from men and relationships and things that you can do, or even the person you are.

But understand that you are who God says you are,
don't leave Him out
Hear Him say that you are fearfully and wonderfully made,
touch the scars that He bore to call you His.
and drink deeply in the love that He has for you.

You are worthy because you were born. ;)

Miserable

2006-10-29T18:31:00.000+08:00

"Being miserable does not make you better then others, it only makes you... miserable"
Dr. James Wilson, House

stuff

2006-10-28T02:22:00.000+08:00

You've Experienced 32% of Life

You have the life experience of someone in their early 20s.
You've seen some of what life has to offer - but you have a long ways to go.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Bizzare

2006-10-20T09:10:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the last official day of lecturers.

It marks also the beginning of the study break, the mugging break. >.<

Yesterday was also bizarre for many reasons.

1) Bizzare Electronics assessment (viva)

The very thought of viva sends chills down your spine, EXPECIALLY if you are a blur case like me that does not understand most of the experiments AND a lazy case like me that rushes your lab reports at the very last minute.

So to summarize how the situation was for me: DIE.

Needless say I was a bundle of nerves when I entered the room to face my lecturer, armed with nothing much but questionable common sense.

Lecturer: Ok, go through what you have done the whole semester.

Me: (starts run down on experiments, hoping hard that he would not ask any details) >.<
Lecturer: Ok la, (stops me abruptly) what problems did you faced while doing the experiments.

Me: Heks. (starts giving boring technical answers on how our lack of trouble shooting skills coupled with bad knowledge of theory and manipulation of equiptments and components made literally most of our experiments a living nightmare)

Lecturer: Ok la, call the next person on the list, your suggestion for having trouble shooting procedure will be noted.

Me: URM. So I can go now?

Lecturer: Of cause.

Normal viva session: will span for about 15 mins, lecturer questions about the reasoning of procedures and often asks students to demonstrate the circuit or explain the expected experiment outcome.

My viva session: Slightly more than 5 minute, minimal technical stuff, asking me to give comments on how to improve the course o.O, more like chatting over coffee about the lab than an oral assessment.

I don't have a good feeling about this.

2) Bizzare Quantum Mechanics last lecture.

To side track abit, I find the guys in my course (the physics majors) irritating, loud, unrefined and immature. I know I am too hard on guys, but they really remind me of my F4 students back when I was a sub teacher.

Needless say, they thought of an excellent way to end the last class of the semester.

Sitting at the very first row of the lecture hall.

How. urm fun.

To cramp your neck and raise your head almost permenantly at 60 degrees to have a good view of the white board. How fun.

The rationale was that they were usually the back benchers in class, probably due to the intimidating aura of our Quantum Lecturer and the question he asks that never cease to baffle us.
SO, today was the day to indimidate the lecturer.

LAME. Guys nowadays I tell you.

The most bizzare thing was that our lecturer, who never failed to be sharp and alert throughout the semester actually did look intimidated and stumbled upon his words a few times.

What was more weird is that as a closing, him, being a no-nonsence lecturer actually told us a 'ghost' story.

HAH. Talk about the weirdest way to end the semester.

3) A phone call.

This probably would not be something bizzare, but it is out of the ordinary.
(what am I talking??? -.-)

So there I was, reading a post from Kennysia.com (lately have been addicted to his idiosyncranies) and waitterrant.net

My hp went off, without much of another glance to the number, I picked up the phone.

"Hello"

*silence*

"hello?"

"Is this Suit Ling?" (in canton slang)
*note: None of my friends call me Suit Ling . I am known as Suit Lin.
Only my immediate family members and relatives call my name that way*

"Yup." (tries VERY hard to recognize which one of my aunts are calling me)

"It's mummy."

after 5 long years.

cont: assorted stuff

2006-10-17T09:25:00.000+08:00

on studies.

last 3 days of lecturers, two weeks of studying.

have not been studying like I used to.

Not that I find that it matters that much anymore.

on recent up tos

- had the urgency to chop off my hair since umpteen months ago,
finally had the time to do it, it's not ridiculously short, still my head is lighter
hope that facilitates the thinking process.

- scholarship money is FINALLY in, i can start paying off all my debts and start printer hunting. any suggestions?

on God.

The age old addiction closes it's suffocating grip on me, I struggle intensely against the desires of my flesh and fail yet again and again, It is so dissapointing that the hurt inflicted a permanent wound within my being when I sin against God.

and the cycle repeats

I really need someone to help me thro this age old problem, but I can't seem to voice it out to anyone because of shame. I know that the best way to deal with sin is to being it out from darkness to light, but I guess the struggle is such a taboo that I can't even come to terms with it myself.

and it is corroding my relationship with God.

I can blame all sort of circumstances for this but in the end I have no one to blame but myself, and my sinful nature.

How is it that I can take hold of God's grace and lay it all down?

Even the painful scars serves as painful reminder of my failure and my need of a Redeemer.

and Yet the road is long and narrow.

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to
the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,
for whose sake I have lost all things.

I consider them rubbish,
that I may gain Christ and be found in him,
not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law,
but that which is through faith in Christ—
the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection
and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings,
becoming like him in his death,
and so, somehow, to attain
to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this,
or have already been made perfect,
but I press on to take hold of that for which
Christ Jesus took hold of me.

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.

But one thing I do:

Forgetting what is behind and
straining toward what is ahead,

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Phillipians 3: 7-14

Unseen

2006-10-16T00:13:00.000+08:00

Your shoulders carried the weight of the world

Carry me now.
Wipe away the unseen hurt.

Help me see You.
and profess Your Lordship
even in the pain and struggles.

Hold my hand in the storms.
my strength is too frail to hang on to You.

assorted stuff

2006-10-14T08:31:00.000+08:00

In response to Dewgem's tagging.

[Q1] Shall start with a simple 1...Which church you are attending?
Ans: FGA Wangsa Permai

[Q2] Use 3 words to describe the person who tag u.
Ans: Encouraging, talented, loved. :)

[Q3] Write down one of your favourite bible verses.
Ans: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you, I do not give to you as the world gives, do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27

[Q4] Let say tomorrow is the End of the world.Name 5 things u that u so wanted to do.
Ans:
1) Bring my family and friends to Christ.
2) I can't think of anymore, can't wait to meet my Groom.

[Q5] Your feelings after answering these questions.
Ans: erm. rushed? brother wanna use computer. -.-

[Q6] Tag 3 more person.
Ans:
You who are so free.
You who want to do it
and You who's fingers itch to tag others. XD

*note*
to be continued, brother making noise *shove's carrot into his mouth*

Finally,

2006-10-04T22:50:00.001+08:00

image here.

after more then 12 hours of almost non-stop staring at the computer screen,

after scrolling up and down 50+ pages pf hard core materials and arranging the charts and graphs and tables.

after lugging thesis and books around

after two laptops, 3 pendrives and one over-worked printer and 2 hours of paper feeding.

Finally.

WE completed our Educational Psychology assigment, to date my thickest assignment EVER, 20mm comb binding, 50+ pages materials, 50+ pages appendix.

*grins*

thats one more down.

2 more to go.

Haih.

Taint

2006-10-02T19:50:00.000+08:00

She.
Tainted.
Fallen.

Gone, just gone.

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me.
Sorrow in my soul
'cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company.

And I know that he knows
I'm unfaithful And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dyin'
-Rihanna, Unfaithful-

tell me again, cause I just can't stop sinning against You.
I fear that i can no longer come back to You.

Storms

2006-09-25T07:20:00.000+08:00

image from here.

I am alone.

Jesus, where are You?
Have You forgotten me?

I am utterly alone
Tears sting my eyes
everytime when loneliness presses in.

God, where are You?
Are You disciplining me?

I am utterly alone
Fear fills my heart
that I have been abandoned.

Help me see You Lord.
Help me to be still
Help me to trust

I am so tired.

Help me fight the lie that I am no longer Your child.

Self amusing purpose.

2006-09-23T02:15:00.000+08:00

The requirements:
1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. Press forward for each question
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question (but it seems you can insert lyrics from the song if you want lah... in addition to the title...so if it's suitable, just go ahead lah)
4. NO CHEATING!!!
-------------------------
1. How am I feeling today?
Behind Hazel Eyes -Kelly Clarkson

Here I am once again,
I'm falling into pieces...

...broken up deep inside
but you don't see the tears I cry,
behind there hazel eyes.

2. Where will I get married?
The Potter's hand - Hillsong

I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart
I know You're drawing me to Yourself
Lead me Lord I pray.
... I give my life to the Potter's hand.

3. What is my best friend's theme song?
Adonai - Hillsong

Glorify my Lord
Only you will I serve
For the world will fade away.
Still my soul to You remains.

4. What was high school like?
Till I see You - Hillsong United

Great is love that anyone could ever know
You overcame the cross and grave to find my soul.

5. What is the best thing about me?
From God above - Hillsong United

...You made us all in Your image.

6. How is today going to be?
另一张脸孙燕姿

这的心情起复不定
没人了解
这种糊涂想大声哭
觉得活得累
这的一切一切
全都是为____

我是像个傻子一样
笑着过一天
想要路上有一分钟
快乐的感觉
偏偏这张脸
在我一直脆弱无奈
有无质的相太白
雪的出现
不了解

7. What is in store for this weekend?
whatsittitleagain?? The Crazy Frog song.

ding ding. XD

8. What song describes my parents?
Wishing for you - Juwita Suwito

Do I see a twinkle of hope thats in your eyes?

9. How is my life going?
You and me - Life House

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

10. What song will they play at my funeral?
God is Great Hillsong

You alone are God who reigns for eternity!
God is great, sing His praise,
all the earth, all the heavens,
and your name will be praised thoughout the world.

11. How does the world see me?
Weigh of the World - Planet Shakers

All the things I've ever done,
Your bore on Calvary.
You took the weight of the World on Your shoulders.
You did it all for me.

Because of what Jesus have done I am free from the eyes of the world.

12. What do my friends really think of me?

I want to know You - Sonic Flood.

hah.

13. Do people secretly lust after me?
Instrumental Track from perhaps love.
.... -.-

14. How can I make myself happy?
I give - City Harvest Church

Come and fill me Holy Spirit
I seek the warmth of Your embrace.
Lord I'm longing for Your presence,
Just one touch of Your grace,
I'll keep on longing, longing for You.

Lord I give my life, a living sacrifice.

15. What should I do with my life?
Dare you to move - switchfoot

I dare you to move
like today never happened
today never happened before.
Salvation is here.

16. Will I ever have children?
Light of the world - Tim Hughes

Here I am to say that You're my God.

(God decides)

17. What is some good advice?
Awesome God - Hillsong United

He reigns from heaven above
with wisdom, power and love.

[Ask the most wise for advice ;) ]

18. What do I think my current theme song is?
None but Jesus - Hillsong United

None but Jesus. :)

19. What does everyone else think about my current life?

No - Altered Frequency.

I live a brand new life.

20. What type of style men do you like?
这一刻孙燕姿

因为你让我看清自己
面对未知的恐惧脚步更加坚定

Secure. :)

21. Will you get married?
right to be wrong - Joss stone.

So just leave me alone.
heh.

23. Where will you live?
History Makers - Delirious

I wanna be a history maker in THIS land.

24. What will your dying words be?
Prince - Vanessa Carlton

at the hand of your God could you see the light?

25. When I'm having sex I say…]
???????

26. When I meet a guy/lady for the first time I say…
Be our guest - Beauty and the Beast OST

hah. understood.

27. When my parents are angry I say…
Summer Night. Grease OST, John Trovolta and Olivia Newton John

don't you put up a fight. XD

Yadas

2006-09-20T15:20:00.000+08:00

Totally Random

Jon Chu's msg to me yesterday:
You really evil la. Now I can't stop saying fuiyoh. Haih......... Why.............
hahaha the PKV Vocabulary is fast spreading. XD
Syen is coming back!!!!!! :D
I nearly lost my file just now, keep on losing things nowadays, thought I misplaced my pencil case at the church where we had bible study but infact it was in the car. zzzzzzzzzz
Campus elections is tomorrow.
I have no more random quotes, need to catch up on studies, and assignments *big sigh and sniff*
Jumping is cool!
Jumping and letting someone take your picture is cool-er!!

Jumping in symmetrical form is even cool-er.

but the coolest of all

is jumping because some one gave you a nice firm kick on the behind!!!

Cheers!! XD
Went breakfast with Jon, Michel and Jin last Sat when Michel was in town, was so surprise to see the girl all the way from Kuantan, partly also because what has happen. Be strong girl! You know you have us and God by yourside. *hugs*

(L-R) Yours truly, Michel, Jin

anyway Jin and Jon were having thier nonsensical bickering/bonding time. Leaving both Michel and me to entertain ourselves *rolls eyes* after breakfast we lepaked at MV for a while to get Michel a shirt for her dad, Jin and Jon continued to entertain themselves, and then I saw this!!!!

Look closer!!

zzzzz. imagine if someone who is not borned with good looks and $$$ to do plastic surgery, he/she can just take a paper bag and write the words

"Handsome hot muscular sexy hunk"
"beautiful sexy gorgeous girl"
XD

Neways did not have a picture of THE Pig himself (Jon) so this will have to do.

Piggie stickers!!

It was a great day meeting up with 'em :)

In pieces

2006-09-18T07:37:00.000+08:00

How foolish was I
to even consider you a friend
when you have shown me much pain
leaving my heart in pieces.

How wrong was I
to even thought that you and I
would have something more,
now my heart lies in pieces.

When you words come
like knives, laced with honey
like insults, coated with fake concern
now my heart lies in pieces.

If ever there were a possibility of us
it's now long gone,
and I still have to face, seeing you, and her.
with my heart in pieces.

I have tried to be your friend
I asked for God to give me patience
but loving you seems so hard
and my heart lies in pieces.

May I forget
all the illusions that I had conjured
Let them blow off like the wind
leaving my heart in pieces.

May I remember that
you are in my life for a reason
God is teaching me how to bear you
still my heart lies in pieces.

*footnote*
Mirroring technique, two different people, God's moulding process.

Stabbed by Syen

2006-09-18T07:34:00.000+08:00

The rules:

Bold the statements that are true to you.
Italise the statements that you WISH are true.
Leave the Fibs alone.
Then, stab 5 people to do the same test.

I miss somebody right now. [nuff said]
I dont watch TV these days. [if only I have enough sleep]
I wear glasses or contact lenses. [both]
I love to play video games. [finger cramp >.<]
I've tried marijuana. [only if Marijuana is a a label of a misguided sweet factory]

I've been in a threesome. [. . .]
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. [I'm the psyco one, does it count? :P]
I believe that honesty is usually the best policy [easier said than done]
I curse. [used to lah]
I have changed mentally over the last year. [Hope so]

I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. [physical knife, no, my tongue, yes.]
I'm TOTALLY smart. [HAHA, I wish]
I've broken someone's bones. [Chicken bone?]
I'm paranoid sometimes. [more than sometime prehaps??]
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe , free of cost, and scar-free. [ PAIN leh]

I need money right now. [The universal problem, donation to the SL fund?]
I love sushi.
I talk really,really fast. [haha. catchmeifyoucantitalklikeabullettrain! XD]
I have long hair. [long for the past 5 years, time to weild the gunting]
I have lost money in Las Vegas. [I wish I have BEEN to Vegas]

I have at least one sibling.[two bullyable brothers]
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past [I got what why must wear fake ones?]
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way I look. [ I wish]
I am usually pessimistic.

I have a lot of mood swings. [yes I do]
I have a hidden talent. [teehee]
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
I have a lot of friends.
I'm currently single.[nuff said]

I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window shopping. [retail theraphy]
I would rather shop than eat.

I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.

I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I want to have (adopted) children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.

I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex.

I have tried alcohol before.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
I own the "South Park" movie.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.

I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and i like it.
I am happy at this moment!

I'm obsessed with guys.
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.

I walk barefoot wherever i can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.

I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.

I went college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people. [sigh]
I adore bright colours.

I can't live without black eyeliner.
I somehow enjoyed this thingy.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.

I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse. [once, it'll stay that way >.<]
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.

I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that i work with.

I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I'm an artist.

I only clean my room when necessary. haha.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie.

I stab:
1) you, if your are too free.
2) you, if you have no blogspiration.
3) you, if you have been blog-sliding.
4) you, if someone tagged you and you are procrasinating to do it.
5) you, if someone has not tagged you and you want to do it. XD

THE Camp.

2006-09-08T13:27:00.000+08:00

CF camp was impactful to many of us, when all the planning and worrying and bickering (within the committee la) ends, it amazes me yet again and again that God uses our imperfect work to His glory.

On a personal note, the duration of the camp was a hard one for me.
I had many issues to deal with and even during the last two days of camp I was struggling immensely upon the realization of a particular issue that I am unable to address publicly. Talk to me if you really want to know.

It came to a point where I screamed into my pillow asking God why am I so different? Why is it that I have to carry such a past, such a destiny, such a personality. Why do I have to struggle with some of the simplest things? But God gently reminded me that my hope and life is in His hands and He watches over me, even amidst my struggle to love Him.

There were times where the same questions played in my head as if taunting me, the way people around me have wholesome smiles, where they mix and mingle around prefectly. In a way that I am unable to truly allow myself to be.

God reminded me the chains that used to bind me are broken, and that I should not continue to drag them around with me. But I struggle so much just being free, as if the chains were a part of me that letting them go means throwing away the only identity that I ever knew.

But God say that His arms are always there to take me in. Loving hands in place of the painful restricting chains. The scars embedded so deep that that at times, I can not grasp the simple meaning of being loved and to love. I am paralyzed with intense pain and fear.

As usual I stand at the sidelines, distancing myself from those around me, it's hard to put aside the iron mask when I make my disability bigger that God's ability.

I look at the great moutain of internal conflict and sanctification that I have to go through to grow, and my help comes from a God who does not slumber, the God who made heaven and earth and all creatures within, the God who gambled for my soul by paying His life.

My rest is in Him, may my soul be still, when the waves of pain strikes in and when I am alone, may I know the greatness of the God whom hold my life in the palm of His hands.

John 9:3
"It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins," Jesus answered. " This happened so the power of God could be seen in him .

John 11:4
But when Jesus heard about it he said, "Lazarus' sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will recieve glory from this.

May the pain that inflicts me at the present time not end in death, but to the glory of God so that God is able to reveal His power in me. The torns are meant to glorify not the sufferer but the Healer.

during one of the sessions, Yew Kong performing a mime while Philippians 2:1-6 was read out to challenge us to put down our self, our desires and even our pain and past so that we can serve others, following the very example of Christ.
It struck me hard that whatever I am going through right now should never be a stumbling stone or an excuse for me in serving those placed in my life.

Kim Cheng. Camp Speaker. PKVUM FES staff worker. Arms to cry in. Hands to hold. Person to pray with. Comforter. Christ's love ambassador.

Front row (L-R)
Mun Yee, Mun Teng, Amy (Wong Jia Hui) XD, Hui Shi
Back fow (L-R)
Pixie (group leader), Hazel, Cat woman (oops! XD) Joshua, Cheffrost (fellow partner-in-crime), yours truly.

My group. Golden Gate. Groups were given names of bridges inline with PKV's 06/07 theme and also THE Camp's theme. My group rocks.

We had a fun time sharing and gelling together, our group leader was very good in leading us, very cekap :) from playing chair-futsal to charades to quiet time and when Hazel had to leave camp early. The team spirit and one-ness that my group has shown encouraged me greatly.

Jia Hui(L) and Mun Yee at the Indegenious people settlement at 24th mile Camerons.
It truly was a eye-opening experience from their worship style, hospitality (some of them did not even eat to feed us!), warmed by their friendliness, encouraged and challenged by thier needs and also by their simple faith in Christ.

Future educators. Adelene, Jia Hui, and yours truly.
Standing on the spiral staircase of HCC, Tanah Rata. Fellow coursemates, encouragement, friends, prayer partners! Love you guys to bits.

Some of us having lunch at T-cafe, Tanah rata. Serves delicious cakes and pastries!
We filled the whole place :P

Credit: Pics taken from Mun Yee (R)

Being in the camp committee has most certainly helped me trust God and His providance more. Everything in the camp from the beautiful double rainbow during the first evening, to the testimonies shared, encouragements recieved and even the struggles and tears with God was good, because it brought us all closer to God and one another.

May we all remember God's faithfulness today during the storms of tomorrow.

P/S: lack of pics because yours truly did not bring her digicam *I can hear your sigh of relief* :P, had to take care of both my laptop and also the camper's money.

*edit*

My angel in camp - Rachael Wong!(R)
The best angel I ever had, with loads of sweets and titbits and love and strawberry tea. mmmmmmmmmmmm and a testi on friendster. :D
She's so good :)
Sorry I did not get to chat with you alot during the return trip girl, was very dizzy. @_@

Tear stained

2006-09-06T21:18:00.000+08:00

孙燕姿
眼泪成诗

我已经
已经把我伤口化作玫瑰
我的泪水
已经变成雨水早已轮回
我已经
已经把对白流成了永远
忘了天色
究竟是黑是灰

分手伤了谁
谁把他变味
我的眼泪写成了诗已无所谓
让你再回味
自古罪人仍自罪
因为回忆总是美

我已经
已经把绝情变成了恭维
品位不配
一种不能自卑说声失陪
我已经
已经把沉默变成了忏悔
无路可退
只能无言已对

分手伤了谁
谁把他变味
我的眼泪写成了诗已无所谓
让你在回味
自古罪人无自罪
因为回忆总是美

分手伤了谁
谁把他变味
我的眼泪写成了诗已是无所谓
让你再回味
自古罪人无自罪
你的品位总是美

--
Alex Cross. James Patterson. attempt. drownself. forget. pain.

futile.

blast. music. any music. hide. pain. forget. pain.

impossible.

Wasted 24 hours, doing nothing, not even thinking.

I know I will heal, give me time.

Sometimes I wonder if it is taking too long.

I wonder whether I have been eternally scared for life.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.
And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.
But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Iron Doll

2006-08-31T14:21:00.001+08:00

Iron doll
the cast she wear
see the invisible tears she cries.

Iron doll
the pain she carries
hear the unspoken scream she hides.

Iron doll
the destiny she has
touch not the unchartered waters of her thoughts

Touch not the iron doll
for she is as fragile as porcelian.

Touch not the iron doll
for her shattered heart will never mend.

Touch not.

Last

2006-08-28T14:33:00.000+08:00

Pic from here

What's left of me
but the cold hard hands of reality
What's left of me
but the snowflakes that melts when summer comes.

What's left of me
when you embrace my brokeness
with Your nail pierced hands.

What's left of me
when You hold me,
giving me the love that floods into every dry crack of pain.

What's left of me.
Nothing. You say.
For I am a new creation by the works of Your loving hands.

Romans 5:6, 8(part)
When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.... God showed His great love.

--

Last week of the first mid semester. Let me assure you that time does flies like a headless horse with fire on it's tail.

Fire to show the breakneck speed, and headless to imply it running in a hundred and one different directions.

speaks a lot eh.

But I have learn to yield my reigns to a God who loves me, to truly let Him take over is something that I struggle constantly and daily, yet what amazes me is the patient hands of our Heavenly Father, who longs, even more than us, for us to be perfected in His time.

God has taught me to really sit back and be still, and let His word speak and minister to me, I am indeed truly thankful that I know that I am slowly being able to trust God again based on who He and what His words says instead of how I feel.

To learn to appreciate true solitude to meet with my Maker, to have Him consume me with His love and passion, that is when I can truly rest in many times of heartaches.

One more week to CF camp, finally beginning to see the big picture. A life lesson trust God all the more.

Fly

2006-08-22T09:29:00.000+08:00

Pic from here

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and His understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary,

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew thier strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah40:28-31.

Patah sayap, terbang jua.

To the battle within

2006-08-19T10:05:00.000+08:00

Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.
For the battle is not yours, but God's
2 Chronicles 20:15

I stand shivering in the cold
Remind me of Your love
Your nail-pierced hand
Your cry of forgiveness
Your blood shed for my redemption
Your tears for my soul.
Your power above all heavenlies
Your soveriegnity above all creation
Your holiness that is absolute purity
Your omniscience, all knowing
Your immutability, the same, yesterday, today and forever.

Remind me
Your hands that shielded my body from harm since I was conceived
Will continue to hold me and wipe my tears.

Remind me
that the torns in me are even Yours to take
that fear can come but Your love casts them out.
that I am Yours.

Remind me that the hands that made the Heaven and Earth
and all the creatures within,
in grace, holds me like a precious treasure.

Remind me
The battle is not mine, but Yours.

Box

2006-08-18T22:05:00.000+08:00

My head is blank

blank blank blank

I am trying very hard to make myself feel, but I feel nothing.

Oddly, no pain, no happiness, no genuine laughter, no fear.

Just the fear that I will continue to be like this.

I prayed today morning, I tried really hard to tell God that I must stop doing the things that I am doing, but before the end of the day I did it again,

and again, and again, and again.

I tried writing my thoughts out a few times today, but words fail me, in the most cliche way that all Christians will say to trust God, I am so throughout-ly empty there is no more left in me.
Not even trust.

I told God that my heart fears much, much so I fear the changing that my heart both yearns and shuns, I want God's healing and yet I fear that healing will take away the very pain that I have grown so use to define me.

The only show of emotions I have today is the lone tear that escaped my eyes as I open up my Pendora box and found nothing inside but pain and confusion.

then,
I tossed the box out of the window.
forgetting the little precious nugget of love buried deep beneath, under all the pain.

Father,
I know You love me. I know You care
But most of the time I fail to let my heart comprehend Your great love
Teach me to in my pain take hold of You,
Your promise of healing and redemption,
to let Your hand work in my life,
and To remember all that You are to me
I'm falling apart.
Please.
Before I become dust and is no more.
before my heart dies and I can't feel You anymore.

Heaven bent to take my hand, lead me through the fire
be the long awaited answer.
to a long and painful fight.
- Sarah Mclachlan

Hear ye

2006-08-16T15:47:00.000+08:00

right right.

What I have learned today;

Discrimination is encouraged in ONLY in setting exam questions.
Aha, bet you did not know that.

I also figured out that the main reason why I was unable to really gather my study momentum is because I only visited the library less than FIVE times in SIX weeks!!!!! *wails*

thats sad, pathetic and traumatising!

which by the way a part of my motivation to study is to touch and feel books. XD
books books books.

Heh.

Digressing, I have TWO tests next week. *big sniff*
needless say I NEED TO STUDY.

Let's see since I have not done this for a long while, let be blog about my day for a change.
You know, the blog-as-your-daily-log kinda post :P

Woke up at 4am, to do electronics lab reportS, still got one more to go. >.<
Walked to uni earl"ier" than usual la, I am always late what :P
Eat the same old nasi goreng in the same old science faculty, the only thing that I am greatful to say same old is the company ;)

First class, Educational Psychology *cue in the oooos and aaaas*
But all we have been learning the past few weeks are teenage angst, teenage development, teenage cliques, I think you get the point which can be summarised to one word.

Boring.

Expecially since I was a teenager not 'too' long ago *ahhhheeerms*

What amazes me about the psychology is the way they tend to categorize types of people, I mean the stereotype. How nice if humans can be classified into clean categories.

Which bothers me all the more is that I transition between personality, growth pattern, and whatever psychological terms like changing clothes. Does it mean that I don't really know who I am?

Was browsing in the uni bookstore just now (told ya I like books XD) , came across this book about analysing hand writing, to tell you how mixed up the analysis is, the way I write my 'i' says that I am extrovert, self reliant, confidant and pushy, BUT the way I write my ' p and q' says that I am shy, depressed, quiet, and unsure.

talk again about categories.

Thankfully I am assured that at the end of the day I am defined by who God says I am, that I am His beloved girl. :D
And that all of us are so unique, with our own genetic makeup and 'chop' :)

still there? :P I am extremely long winded today and you shall bear with me :P

now the second class of the day, Pentaksiran = evaluation = how to set exam questions
= SUPER BORING LA

aih

imagine your morning classes like that.

haha but what was interesting was that our lecturer drinks strawberry flavoured dutch lady milk, writes ON the OHP projector when he don't have transparencies and uses a RM1 note to clean the OHP projection screen after writing.

Peculiar-nya.

Which by the way I deduced the statement earlier in my post from his lecture that a good exam question should have a high discrimination index. If not can throw away. XD

Next up is Educational Philosophy *cues in Waaaaaahhhsss*

Philosophy is from the word Phileo = love and sophia = wisdom.

Love of wisdom, my most interesting edu course this sem, tho the lecturer tend to drone on and on with some lame examples... but she can sing tho!

We learned Idealisme and Realisme today, interesting to see the way people see things at time, but the thing about thinking and questioning too much is that we always get no where, which in the end acknowledges our limit and need for a relationship with a creator.

Shouldn't say we should not think at all, but the bible says to meditate on God's word (which is the ultimate truth) day and night so that we can know more of who God is :)

I still got 10 min to wrap up the post, man am I crappy today :P

ANYWAYS I skipped lunch, went prayer meeting then the bank then the bookstore then the cybercafe and now I am going to class (Electromagnet, *tutor with patience needed, please leave your contact :P*) and later to Ravi Zacharias talk at GTPJ.

there! condensed version :P

Just to leave with you one thought.

Q: How are you?

How do yo answer the question? well to not lie I will say "ok la" (which carries a VERY vague meaning) can apply no matter how sucky I feel.

Yesterday during bible study however, Mr. Lian taught us the meaning of GOOD.

Yaya I know you know and everyone knows that God is the defination of GOOD.

but what more is the insight on this more than popular verse.

Romans 8:28-30
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Notice that God works for good, ya.
and then we are being made into the image of Jesus.
meaning God wants to see His image in us, thats why all the moulding and suffering and dying to self :)
Which makes the defination of Good expandable to being made into the image of God, simply because God is good!

So how are you today?
Good!! cuz I am being made into the image of God.

:) I can now say that I am good without lying, despite the circumstances (or how sucky I feel)simply because I know they work for GOOD (to mould me in to the likeness of Christ) to those who love Him.

so cool! :D

k la, better go now ;)
take care
ta!

P/s: Thanks for reading the super long post ;)

Behind

2006-08-11T01:04:00.000+08:00

Behind the mask
I hide myself
and hope to mask
my one true self.

Behind my tears
my silent guilt
with so much fear
of the spreading filth.

Behind my smiles
my light-toned laughter
my hearts ajourned miles
from this place I'm after.

Behind the works
of my own two hands
is of no worth
if it's not in You I stand.

What good can these be
when I am stained,
tainted, used and rejected.
I wish I can finally see
Your unforced rhythm of grace

Matthew 11:28 (Msg)
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
***

It's almost 4 am, I'm dead tired but I can't sleep. Go figure.

Things have really gotten a hold on me, I try my best to do what's right, but my words always seem so hollow, my actions tainted, my motives impure. Like a self-centered self righteous b***h

***
Yeah.

***
I'm finally home after 3 weeks of sitting in uni (well, more than sitting la). Started writing in a journal rather than blogging. I don't know why but there is this huge chunk of my thoughts I want to keep under wraps.

What thoughts? thoughts that I wish weren't there at all.

Digressing, studies need major major catching up, still can't help but feel upset with myself and my inability to understand lectures, it's like I have wasted all the formal education i ever gotten. Like my foundations are crumbling down (thats not even the building itself!)

I'm really tired, I'm just tired of being me.
of the things that I struggle to find purpose and peace in.
In the end of the day I look at all the things around me, I really wonder where is Jesus?
Is He really among the worship team, in the prayer meetings, during the CG meetings?
What would He say, who would He talk to?
Is He really there with me?
Does He agrees with the things that I do? Is He pleased?

If yes, then why is it that I still feel constant restlessness resting on my shoulders?

The ill fitting yoke?

And yet day by the day time I can still amuse myself by being that strong person that people knew about. Putting on the many Masks, the handy self-distructive weapon.

I realise my weekness comes as I draw closer to God, I realise my inability to even love Him, the feeling of insecurity and bitterness with roots so deep that they inter-twined together as this massive complicated tangle.

And also effecting the way I treat people and the relationships around me.

Who am I?

I'm sorry to those whom I have let down, for misintepreting your intentions, for not being the friend that I am supposed to be, for using my foolishness to cause you so much trouble.

I wish that I can be that person that you want me to be.

But at the end of it I am nothing but a fallen soul.

Teach me, Abba Father, your unforced rhythm of grace.
Less I drown.
Less I fall.
Less I turn
away from You.

For Syen =)

2006-08-01T22:51:00.000+08:00

ok la in honor of my bestest friend Ms Syen I shall update my blog with the recent up-tos that I am doing now.

This is the 4th week of lecture, besides finding myself drowning in the huge vast sea of mathematical symbols, education and psychological jargons and endless stream of lab reports, I find myself hand-tied as much as tongue-tied!

My Quantum Mechanics lecturer scares the bananas out of me (no, I am not made of bananas) and almost all my other course mates. He has an oddest temper never give us students the benefit of doubt.

Everytime when he trows questions at us we will be like ........ absolutely tongue tied, but recently, fuh, one of my course mate started to be able to answer his questions, not really 100% correct, but atleast still on the right track, and NOT fumbling for words unlike most of us.

VCF started the semester with a bang (pun intended) we had our Malam Suai Kenal (MSK). 'Bang' being the theme. Had a mad rush to finish the introduction booklet cover *points above* done by none other than Ms Syen herself.

Got loads of new people in Uni, Mun Siong la, Daphne la, Samantha la... great to see the juniors, bad to feel abit old tho *frowns* Just started our Care Group meetings this week.

Currently I am MADLY involved with CF camp, CF publication, had the tremendous priviledge to lead a CG and also having some pre-planning for Easter.
Add in church responsibilities, family and HOMEWORK!

To say thatI am juggling them beautifully is a big lie, hah, had CG meeting this afternoon, and I only started preparing (infact just that awhile) this morning, was late for group discussion for 'em assignments, missed church BMcell for 2 weeks di and heck I still have a 15 page lab report to start and hand in on Thursday *tears and pulls face*

I guess I need to learn to prioritize AND spend my time wisely, I still need to catch up on studies (trust me 2nd yr physics courses can KILL you) and take care of myself, spiritually and physically. It is equally a challenge to all of us in the same shoes to lay down our 24 ours and make them all sold out for God. That we may glorify Him in our serving, in our studies, in our family, our community and evenmore so when obeying Him and spending time with Him.

Our contract with Jesus is signed, but the t&c are still very much blank, may God use our lives in whatever ways He sees fits, and we trust in who He is, our Father, and a good God. =)

By the way...
I WANNA WATCH THIS!!!!!!
teman me teman me teman me????? *puppy eyes*

The girl.

2006-07-28T23:49:00.000+08:00

The girl sits in the corner
waiting, seeing.
Once and a while, people stare
they point, they talk.
and after a little while they leave.

Some sit beside her
they seem understanding at first to the girl
she smile and gradually open up her heart to them
and they lash on her be it intentionally or not.
Wounds are formed, bloody, ugly dripping scars.

And so the girl learn to walk away
from those who are willing to sit beside her
she learn to swallow her tears
and dig into her sores, inflicting her wounds
she needed the pain to remind her to never trust again.

the girl is a woman now.
beneath all her abilities
under her mask of normalcy
the venom she carries
the tears she cries.
she is still that girl.

See beneath the skin
discover her wounds
see her for who she is
and tell her that she is loved and wanted
just as she is, not because of the things that she can do,
or the words that she can say.
or the person she is trying to be.
But because of who she is,
a woman and yet a scared girl.

---
I think the post below speaks for it self.

by the way it was a mistake. Mistakenly hit the publish button without me knowing it.

It's Friday night, I'm taking in the final minutes of the day.

Weekends is coming, I have much work looming on me, can someone please tell me the logic of it all?

It's tiring even thinking to list down the things to do, and I don't even want to do it.

I don't even know how to phrase how I am feeling without offending. Words fail.

May this post and the song speaks for itself.

When the tears fall - Tim Hughes
I have questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
but there's one thing that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

In lone hour of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My Defender forever more

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain is a surrounds, I'll call You Healer
when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart.

I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus praise You
Through the suffering, still I will sing.

When the laughter fails to comfort,
When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there
When confusion is all around me,
When the darkness is my closes friend.
Still I praise You,
Jesus praise You.

May my heart, soul and being learn to praise You because of who You are,
and not because of what and where I am.

How?

2006-07-27T01:35:00.000+08:00

Standing Outside

2006-07-25T13:58:00.000+08:00

Standing outside.
The wind carassed my face.
I have much thoughts
yet words defeats me.

Standing on the outside
I see what could be
and all that would be
Yet I'm still outside.

Standing outside
Can you hear my silent cry of desperation?
Can you sense my deepest fear,
My invisible tears?

Standing outside
Looking on the inside
I realize that I was never meant to be here
I was never meant to be accepted.

Standing outside
my broken being shattered
my heart bleeds
how I will it to all end.

Standing outside
A smile of peace overcame me
desperation is my only companion.
Slowly I step into the dark abyss.

I was never meant to be truly loved.

Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness"

Yet You still came,
to guide me home in Your arms.
You stood outside with me.
I knew You knew how it felt.

Thank You, my Lord.

Where?

2006-07-20T09:03:00.000+08:00

Tiredness sets in
And much so do I thirst for You.
My mind tells me that You no longer hold me.
and yet in my being, my soul beckons that You are here with me thro the storms.

I swallowed and press in
not knowing lies ahead.
not knowing how can I possibly hang on.
Yet I carry a smile
a smile to stay strong.

And even as all fades away
I miss You
I miss You
I miss You.
more than ever.

Help me not push You out of my life with bitterness.
and yet silently miss You in my own tears.

**

Two weeks, two weeks of running around, staying full days and night in campus and coming back at late hours.

Two weeks, two weeks of being in a place that still serves little or no purpose that I can see.
I long so much to one day see the big picture, and yet now I am only living week by week, assignment by assignment, lab by lab, projects by projects.

Why do I always sound so depressed in my posts? Don't you even dare ask.

You have no idea how painful it is to me.

"How can I tell you that it is painful to go to school? How can I expect you to understand?"
- Homeless to Howard.

Stunted

2006-07-15T23:08:00.000+08:00

--
Take flight. Fall.
Go on.
Fall. stand.
Fall. walk.
Fall. Fall. Fall. Fall.

I cannot prove myself worthy to be loved.

and yet He loves.

I'm tired.
The wings are torned.
My spirit in pieces.

I can smile
I can do
I can mask the gaping wounds.

Hide it all
Sweep it away
Not that it matters

How does heaven reach out to embrace the unwanted, fallen one?
How does the Father in His abundant mercy and love
still my heart?
calms my soul?
make me whole?

Grace.

Isaiah 42:9
See, the former things have taken place,
and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
I announce them to you."

-----
Have you ever felt stunted?

Stagnant?

I have the notion that the part of me that died is gone forever.

Because I have failed to pick up myself properly.

Jaded - [adjective]
tired out or lacking enthusiasm after having had too much of something.

Too much of what?

Too much of nothing, making anysense to you?

I know I make none to myself.

Since when have I lost even my love for Him?

--

Classes have started,
headache have just begun.

I have little or even no enthusiasm to do the things that I am suppose to do.

God. Course work, assignments, services, family, self.

Why do I do it, because I know that the things that I do should never be based on what I feel, but based on the fact that being burdened does not give me the excuse to not emerse myself in God's service,

And to use the talents given to me.

Yet I need Him more and more each day. but reaching out at times can even prove to be difficult.

I don't want to burn out.

My Savior is who I need all the more.

---

Oneside there are people who have high, high expectations

The otherside taunts me with more than frequent failures.

And yet I wish to, I really wish to walk over all these.

Unscatched? Impossible.

Alive? Just barely.

---
But God says that the former things have taken place

mistakes, flops, tears, hurts, they are all from the past.

But new things He declares and announced it to us.

God believes in us.

Because He wants to work in us relentlessly, until His image is revealed in us.

not by our might, not by our mind.

but by the everlasting promises of His love that transforms.

Precious

2006-07-04T05:20:00.000+08:00

precious moments shared with special people.

When friends gather,
individual sacrifices and contribution have to be made,
an act of placing the smile of others above oneself,
a gesture of affirmation to the value of others in one's life,
an evidance of a strong unbroken bond forged in love,
making the time spend and the company extra (extra) precious.

Romans 12:10
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Thank you. =)

Missing?

2006-07-03T02:03:00.000+08:00

Grace has found me.

Pull away the clouds
that shields my eyes
let the dust settle
make it clear to me

make it clear what I am to You
make it clear so that I can cling to You once again
make it clear, I want to lie in Your embrace
once again, help me find You.

Touch my heart
I want to feel again
Take away the walls
fill the void with You.

Fill the void that drowns me
Fill the hallowing emptiness
Fill me with Your love.
once again, help me find You.

*jottings*

tired. worn out. forced smiles. empty.
doing. working. numbing pain. empty.
He calls. I run.

no more tears. vacant words.
hurting eyes. bruised heart.
He beckons. I turn.

Rejection,
how could I ever for even a moment
thought that you knew nothing of it?
for You bore it all.
by me.
For me.

Grace.
Calls me home, to stay.

Crucified

2006-06-20T07:39:00.000+08:00

Love displayed on the cross
where the Son stretched out His arms
to bring the aching world into the hands of the Father

Under the disguise of the dark night
Under the sights of the foreign moonbeam
I shiver in the cold of the night
My icy fingers numb and blue.

Hastening my pace
I walked faster
fear crept up within me
paralyzing.

Dry leaves crunched under my weight,
My bearings are lost
confusion floods my senses
with every turn I take

Exhausted I crumpled on the ground
Hair disarrayed
trying to catch my breath
trying to cry the bitter tears

Alas, only such insufferable pain and anguish
I cried out
but only a gaping hollow moan escaped
barely audible.

Then as if He was there all along
He stood infront of me,
as I raised my eyes,
saw the tears that pour from His.

Overwhelmed,
a part of me long to run from Him
yet an equally desolated part of me
long to pour out my tears at His feet.

But before I could move
He came near and embraced
my trembling frame.
my tears then only began to flow.

Tasting it's saltiness
as tears trickle down my chin
I realize that it was as if we were one
That He have taken me in.

Taken my pain
my emotions
my insecurity
my wrongs that I could never right.

tears contunue to flow
replaced with tears of gratitude.
of grace and love poured so freely
but bought with such high price.

"Do not fear, I have to leave."
He stood and started the painful
journey to atone my sins
to win my life and my heart.

Tears sprung afresh in my eyes
as I saw Him nailed to the cross
breathing His last breath of forgiveness.
Reconciling my hurts.

and as His life was given on the tree
My heart was made whole
and I too was crucified together
so that I can find life in Him.

Jesus Christ
My life, my passion, my all.
My hope, the risen Lord.

Romans 6:5-7
If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection.
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,that we should no longer be slaves to sin—
because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

Who am I

2006-06-19T20:22:00.000+08:00

*Pic taken at Teluk Cempedak, Kuantan, from Tiffanie's.

Who am I - Casting Crowns

Who am I
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
would care to feel my hurt

Who am I
That the Bright and Morning Star
will chose to light the way
for my ever wondering heart

Who am I
That the eyes that see no sin
would look on me with love
and watch me rise again

Who am I
That The voice who calm the sea
would call out thro the rain
and calm the storm in me.

not because of who I am
but because of what You've done
not because of what I've done
but because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
and You tought me who I am
I am Yours
I am Yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
Cause I am Yours.
I am Yours.

Isaiah 49:15-16
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

Smile

2006-06-16T04:50:00.000+08:00

Simply having your presence
Even if it's just that few moments
and even if distance sets us miles apart
with time sits between us.
I will always treasure
each laugh, each tear, each heartbeat
that I am blessed with.

Wherever you go, my friend
may our Lord light your way
as You place Him first in your heart
may He bring a smile to your lips
the way you have stretched out your hand
to comfort and gave me a smile to cherish.

Thank you, for being the person that you are
for loving me this much
for the hugs, the joy and the care.
be sure to know, whenever I am reminded of you,
I will smile a secret smile,
a grin that is shared between us.

This bond we share and forged in God's love will never cease to fade.

James 2:23 (part)
"... believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,"[a] and he was called God's friend.

*jots*
For a friend that is leaving soon, too soon. With love. ;)

Facade

2006-06-15T00:15:00.000+08:00

Tear down the walls I build
I want to feel again
turn my numbness into sorrow
at least I can still feel pain.

See through the facade in my mirror
I need to know who I am again
remove the mask that hides me
a shadow over my trueself.

Break the chains that bind me
the addiction that kills me, slowly.
ignite me with Your fire,
make me pure for You.

The facade which I lie behind
help me break through and hold me
hold me until I stop fearing
hold me until I know that I am Yours.

For I need more than ever
to see You and to touch You
grant me Your peace and Your presence
most of all Your hand to mould me.

And like Your precious rose I will bloom
bought by Your blood,
strengthen by Your word,
meant to spend eternity

With You, My Lord and Saviour.
Who sits with me behind the facade of denial,
Who cries my tear and takes me in.
Who made my heart, Your home.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you.
I do not give to you as the world gives,
Do not let your heart be troubled
and do not be afraid.

Hope

2006-06-13T00:07:00.000+08:00

Pictures taken at the school for Achehnese children.

I HOPE they won't kill me.
I HOPE nobody's following me.
I HOPE I don't step on a land mine.
I HOPE I find some water soon.
I HOPE I don't die out here.

I HOPE someone will find me.
I HOPE the UN can help me.
I HOPE they've got food and shelter.
I HOPE they can help me find my family
I HOPE we'll be able to go back one day.

I HOPE we find a place to call home.
I HOPE we learn to fit in.
I HOPE we can build a future here.

I HOPE we NEVER, EVER, have to run again.
-from UNHCR Refugee awareness poster

Answer the plea of refugees in Malaysia,
help them rebuild their life here.
because they have no where left to go.

Help in the UNHCR World Refugee day in Malaysia.
Volunteers and item contribution needed for that day.
Email me for the wish list.

Volunteers are needed to assist them on the day itself,
for distributing food, manning the stalls, and so on.

The Refugee Carnival will be held as follows:

Date : Tuesday, 20 June 2006
Time : 9.30am – 12.00noon
Venue : UNHCR premises at 570, Jalan Bukit Petaling, 50460 Kuala Lumpur.

Your contribution counts.

World Refugee Day.

Keeping The Flame of Hope alive.

Psalm 9:18
But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.

You got mail, and a heartattack

2006-06-11T19:59:00.000+08:00

Me: (in semi cacated BM) Hello, selamat pagi boleh tak saya memeriksa status permohonan biasiswa perguruan saya? Kerana saya masih belum menerima surat lagi.

Puan XXYY: Sila tunggu sekejap yaaa...

Me: ok (taps fingers on chair)

Puan XXYY: No ic?

Me: 851201-##-####

(sound of typing on keyboard)

Puan XXYY: LEE SUIT LIN??

Me: ya.

Puan XXYY: Minta Maaf, permohonan anda TIDAK berjaya.

Me: Oh... macam tu, tak apalah. terima kasih.

(hangs up)

that was briefly the conversation that I had on Monday, deadline to accept the scholarship (if successful) was the coming Thursday, plus with a lot of forms to fill, and other scholarship agreement-ish stuff to take care. So I called and enquire my status and the bomb shell was dropped.

ouch. seriously ouch.

Well, to add salt into the wound I was back in UM to check my results, two subjects that I was counting on to get an A came back with B+ (I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate this grade)

Overall my CGPA was still maintained at the 3.4 region. which is still 0.3 more to where I want it to be.

workharderworkharderworkharderworkharderworkharderworkharder.

Anyhoos, I was out the entire Monday, so after the dissapointing phone call, I acted like nothing was wrong. Went thro my daily hoo-hums. Reached home and found a post slip waiting for me.

My first reaction was. Wah the Malaysian government must be pretty rich to courier the reject letter.

Neways Dad took leave on Tuesday (Just so happen that he had a job interview on Tuesday)

I woulda have loved to profess here that I still trusted God to give me the scholarship and to see that His timing was perfect (with Dad taking leave and all). Truth to be told, I was already upset and was running away from coming to terms with everything with God. Fresh wounds don't hurt when you don't clean it, that was what I was hanging on to.

This blow was already secondary to my realisation that my sense of vocation towards what I want to achieve has dwindled down, and not only that I have stained my passion, I have also stressed my relationship with God. (I am still working on this)

Well. My dad then took me to the post office the following day, not having a lot of faith, I just gave the slip to Mr postman behind the counter and watched him rummage thro a drawer filled with envelopes of various sizes.

Automatically, logic reasoning kicked in and I thought,
big envelope = pass,
small envelope= fail.

So as the dear posman dug thro the drawer, he had no idea that I was at the verge of getting a heart attack at every action he did.

Posman removes small envelope, dissapointment fills in.
but he places it back and takes out a big one, YAY.
but no... in goes the big one and another small one is taken out.

Big... small...big....small...big...small...

Estatic, miserable, excited, dissapointed, happy, frustrated.

ARGHHHH!

I would have just fainted there and then, but the torment was ended when a big envelope (YAY!!!) was removed and the posman scribbled something on the slip and asked me to sign.

I was out of breath when I thanked the post man (he did gave me a strange look :P) and was barely out of the post office when I ripped open the envelope (literally) and saw

Tawaran Biasiswa Perguruan Persekutuan Kementerian Pelajaran Malaysia Program Ijazah Pertama (Berintergrasikan Pendidikan) Di Universiti Tempatan sesi 2005/2006.

Yes it took me quite awhile to digest the lengthy title, as I was still dizzy. O.o

After running around all over KL, getting guarantors and witness and stamp duty. and Putrajaya (which to me looks like a modern ghost town, takde orang!), to submit the agreement and stuff. Then only I had time to sit down and really think about what had happen.

All these made me realized (except that ppl can either lie to you for whatever reason, or have a serious case of nearshortlongfar sightedness) that my faith is not as strong as I would liked it to be. It would be when everything is going according to my way (but then again, what faith is that?), I only trust when God is working parellel to my plans.

But how can I limit God and expect Him to work according to my limited and wretched ways (as if He is the genie in the lamp). In all these I have learn and still am learning the hard lesson of putting my plans, ability and independance aside and fix my eyes on the God who loves me and has great plans for me.

And sometimes even in believing in Him, I have to seek Him to increase my faith.

I pray that I will never forget who God is, and that I have tasted His goodness and He never changes even in trying times.

Hebrews 12:1-2(part)
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith

May God continually mould you and I as we each day learn to completely deny ourselves and turn to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.

Wasted

2006-06-04T15:00:00.000+08:00

My eyes are dry.

Numbness. guilt.

it's here.

I long

for that temporary high.

much so that knife slashed within my being and His

forgotten. ignored.

I cried till my eyes are dry. I see no way out.

I have no one to talk to. Tired of making excuses.

Alone.

I have hurt Him too much.

I have done wrong.

Free falling

spiralling out of control.

yet on the outside I am still the same.

The war within is kept silent

it's the only way where it hurts the least.

I am

Wasted.

****

Do they hear your silent scream
In the deep sleepless nights,
Do they take your hand and give you hope?

For that is who I am, The Savior.

Say it if it's worth saving me

2006-05-31T03:31:00.001+08:00

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Saving me - Nickleback
Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawling
Oh, I reach for You

Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is You

Come please I’m callin
And oh I scream for You
Hurry I’m fallin

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin
And all I see is You

These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for You

Come please I’m callin
And all I need from You
Hurry I’m fallin

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show You what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Hurry I’m fallin

------

I can't look into the mirror, into myself
I'm terrified of these four walls.

My pain have no place to go
I scream for You.

I have no place to go
I'm on the ledge of the eighteen floor.

On these hands and knees I’m crawling
I reach for You

With these broken wings I’m falling
And all I see is You

Hurry I'm falling

Show me what it's like
to be the last one standing
teach me wrong from right.

Reach out Your hand and catch me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Behind my tears I see Your face
Say it if it's worth saving me.

I know You, please don't let me go.
Say it if it's worth saving me.

Say it for me
Say it to me
I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me.

Silently Your embrace me
I know my worth to You,
for I saw Your nail pierced hands.

Luke 12:6-7
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Me

2006-05-30T02:28:00.000+08:00

Free-Wheeling Experiencer

He sees the beauty.

2006-05-27T10:01:00.000+08:00

Jump in the mess of human lives undressed
And sin unconfessed . . . and see beauty.
Look at the sea of misfits and misery
And cry ‘til you bleed . . . and see beauty.
That's what God does!
That's what God does!
That's what God does, why can't we?
- The rock group, Skypark

what if I don't want it?

2006-05-27T00:46:00.000+08:00

She stared motionless into her reflection in the mirror, adding the final touches on her face and carefully putting on her pearl earrings. The late afternoon sun shone into her room and the ring on her left hand sparkled under it's ray.

Her hair hang losely in soft curls behind her milky shoulders, she placed the veil on her head.
A stranger stared back.

**
It was two days ago, He proposed.
Had she said yes?
She was sure she did.
But she can't remember.

Maybe.

**
She broke the news, her father was stunned,
his reaction caused her much fear.
She could not control herself and started sobbing violently.
If only I could change things. She thought.

If only.

**
She remembered the times where He had stood by her
where He had made her whole
where He had adorned her with His love
He had protected and wanted her.

She knew. That no one else could love her the way He did.
and again she knew,

That she can never love Him the same.

**
The stranger in her mirror mocked her.
Beneath the finery, she is still yet to find a away to forgive herself,
a way to let go of her past
because her past is the only sure thing she ever had.
it defined her.

Going to Him means reconstructing herself, something too painful to do.

and who will she be after all that?

she was scared.

**
A tear rolled down her cheek.
if I do this, at least I die knowing who I am.
a person incapable to love.
that very recognition hurts so much.

taking a deep breath,
she plunged into nothingness
her veil floating behind her.

Above, the wind sang her last song.

A big bang

2006-05-16T19:40:00.000+08:00

Dearest Granpa!

HAPPY BLESSED BIRTHDAY DANIEL DING!!!!

May the coming year bring forth great stuff in all that you do, as you dilligently seek the guidance of our Lord.
May He sprout you into His full potential in you.
Be richly loved and blessed.

Thank you for being such a great person to me.

Today, we thank God for you!!!! :)

Free

2006-05-15T15:10:00.000+08:00

Free at last, free at last
Thank God almighty
We are free at last.
Anonymous
epitaph of Martin Luther King (1929-68)
Atlanta, Georgia, quoting a spiritual, with which he ended his 'I have a dream' speech.

John 8:34-36 (Amplified)
Jesus answered them, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, Whoever commits and practices sin is the slave of sin.
Now a slave does not remain in a household permanently (forever); the son [of the house] does remain forever.
So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free.

---

2 weeks into my holiday already.

Time was spent tv-ing, learning photoshop (thanks to a special friend cum tutor), maple and mathematica. Me nerd.

Other than that it was awesome being able to attend prayer meetings in my local church, drinking in and simply being in God's presence fills you with such joy and fulfillment.

Lately God has been dealing with my heart. I had to face alot of hard questions which if given a choice, I would normally hide or sweep it under the rug.
One of those questions that I have to work through is whether I felt that God is robbing me of my dreams when I decided to teach.

For those who know me, I display a very gung-ho attitude about teaching. I can still rave on and on about what a great profession it is (which undeniably it is) but deep inside I know that I still question whether I am on the right track.

I recall my childhood dreams of exploring the world, or simply living the way I would have enjoyed, far far away from home, where what I say would be of an influence to the world, that I can change things for the better.

What God needs to deal with me is not only to make my heart submissive to His will, but also so that I may come to understand that I can't change the world, simply because I can't even change myself the way I wanted to, and because of my inability I have to learn to shed away the layers of self-effort, but turn to God and look for His guidance.

To release my secret clinging on my hopes and dreams and placing it in His hands.
And with all honesty, I don't feel any much more secure after I have done that. But I know this is where faith, trust, obedience and growth comes into play.

For He know the plans He has for me, plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.

---

Today is mother's day, I attended a women's conference a few days back.
I don't know why but the overdose of mother-ness had started to have a hold on me.

C.S. Lewis once said
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear"
C. S. Lewis 1898-1963: A Grief Observed (1961)

I grief my past and I fear my future.

A part of me is still learning to see that God knew the depths of the effect of my distorted family and past have on me, On the way I see treat people and look into the future.

And only God can truly take my hand to over come the intense fear I have.

May I live in the hope that I will be changed.

Romans15:4
For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.

Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

May all of us continously place our hope in who God is. :)
Take care.

Beyond what I see

2006-05-06T19:10:00.000+08:00

Amidst all struggles there is still a purpose in it for us to grow, there is a even greater purpose that I cannot see or begin to understand.

There must be. And it's for His glory.

I must remember. I must not let go.

I must believe.

And one day, I will see His face.
--

Often I marvel at the different colors the sky can take, as if a canvas for God to paint His love to us each day.

Today I return to my room one last time to shift out all my stuffs (3 boxes! *faints*) I know I did not anticipate to speak more about my first year in UM, expecially not here in this blog anymore.

But I guess I want to do so one last time.

As I sat on my bed in my room, I prayed a prayer of thanks giving, I sensed the urgency of God prompting me to let go of the many tears and bitterness this place have caused me.

And I am struggling even as I am typing this to let God heal these fresh wounds.

I tried talking about it to many different people about what has happen, I never felt the burden get any lighter, infact often I felt the additional weight on my shoulders because I have to carry even their rejection and reaction.

and in the words of a person who went thro what I have
"They just don't get it, maybe they never will"

I have no one, until I turn to Jesus and remembered my Savior in the garden.

Alone.

in despair.

then it dawned me.

He understood. He is my Advocate.

I am never alone. He is with me.
--

and then I remembered the rainbow I saw a few times during the last few weeks in 2nd College, and on His canvas of love,
God repaints His promises to me.

Genesis 19: 14-15(part)
Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind.

In a different light

2006-05-05T15:46:00.000+08:00

I have begun to see me in a different light
that my life is not a mistake
and that it is not meant to be wasted,
and that I matter, to God and to myself, at least.

I have begun to see myself in a different light
that it is okay to fall, to stumble and to cry
it does not make me a lesser human
as long as I learn from my past.

I have begun to see me in a different light
where my painful scars, my dark past
will no longer have it's poisonous reigns in me.
that I am liberated by the work of Christ on the cross and in my life.

I have begun to see myself in a different light
where God takes the first sin of man, partaking the forbitten fruit
and shines it with His light of love, by giving His life
and with it brings the promises of a loving and yet just God to His children.

Yes, I can see myself in a new light
Where my ugliness is transformed in the light of His greatness
where my identity and well being is rooted in what He says I am.
Fearfully and wonderfully made,
I am a child of the Living God.

*jottings*

I've realised that the way things are to me, might not be the same to God.
Apple seems like the perfect symbol of the forbitten fruit, but when shone in the light of Christ thro the word of God, God's love over rules even our imperfections and fears.

Our mistakes and what others say about us, might be the perfect reason to quit or to let ourselves go, but if we allow God to shine His light in our lives and trust in His word, His love is more than enough to carry us thro everything. And when He looks at us, God sees who He have dictated us to be, not what we have done or what others have said. We are who God says we are.

and in His grace, He chooses to continue to shine His light into the dark areas of our lives so that we can be transformed into His image.

---

Lack of updates after my exams mainly due to the splitting headache and on and off fever I've caught this few days, head still throbbing now.

hope to feel better tomorrow, have a full day ahead, going to school to try to get a job, going back to uni to check out, teaching tuition and catch a movie.

Till we meet, take care :)

The end of a chapter.

2006-04-28T12:00:00.000+08:00

Pre-Post exam
haha. Is there ever such a term?

I have a zit the size of a nail on my nose. zzz

PJ paper was ok, I wrote so much I literally could feel my arm dislocate (ha.ha.)

Have waves and vibration paper tomorrow. Am only 60% prepared, boohoo.

That day was sitting at Science Fac cafe with a few PKVians and the topic of blogging came to light, I realized that most of us have our own unique style. :) but I guess thats what makes the blog sphere an interesting place, imagine if everyone you know would blog the same way.

However upon reflection of my blogging milestones (as if la i blogged that long) I still haven't come to the conclusion whether I have changed THAT much since I started almost 2 years ago. Most definately my style took a more matured edge. (? what say you, oh people that have been here since I started).
And does my personality vary from the way I post? Comment box is always open.

Wireless here giving me major headache, might blog more on that later.

One thing that is for sure I am megaly-happily-excitedly-estatic to shift out of 2nd residential college, if nothing goes wrong I'll be gone by next Thursday night the latest. And never ever be spending a night here EVER again! *hops around*

I actually foresee that after my paper at precisely 1330 hours next tuesday I'll be more than happy to put UM behind my mind and have the bestest time during the movie marathon (still on, Syen?) and so.

A tribute, an ending, a full stop, the end of the chapter of my first year here.

As a university student,
I have learned...

that incampus hostels are one of the worst places long term (low on quality and love) to stay
that masks are sometimes needed to be accepted
that maggie hot cup , 3in1 milo and Jacob high fiber biscuits are life savers.
that my floor mates screams for no apparent reason.
that the cleaning lady is 100 times friendly compared to most of the seniors here.
that you get weird stares when you eat using your hand (I am malaysian, people)
that climbing up a hill and then up 4 floors every day does nothing to lose your tummy (or is it my milo addiction?)

that not everyone of my coursemates have a passion to teach
that being a teacher that is commited to serve your students is very difficult
that you need to double if not triple your effort in studying
that university is NOT easier than STPM (whoever invented that lie please take it back!)
that lecturers are not the same as teachers

that the world can never be as perfect as I would like it to be
that people may look alike on the outside but could not be more different on the inside.
that having a true sense of your own identity is important
that University students might not necessary be the most civilized people.
that carelessess pays dearly

that a sense of belonging is hard to nurture
that I am diversely different from most people
that I am not as confident as I thought I was
that yet at the wrong time I am too full of myself
that I can cry unexpectedly
that discipline and proper time management is VERY important

that it is possible to serve God and do well in studies
that it is possible to serve in BOTH church and CF
that it is impossible to survive without God's assurance that I am accepted by Him even when shunned by others
that God provides in miraculous ways
that it takes lots of guts to stand up and stand out for God
that it gets harder to stay close to God and trust His faithfulness.

Most of all I have learned that pain is needed for growth in Christ.
and I have learned that I am truly blessed by your presence in whatever small way in my life.
thank you. :)

And so looking forward to a new semester to be a one to be broken and used by God.

A chapter is hence closed, a page is flipped. :)

Shifting into a new private student hostel in July with none other than Jia Hui. XD
Looking forward for a great 2nd yr.

While I run of to grab a shower and prepare the remaining 40% for tomorrow's 830 am paper >.<
take care people.
ta.

pretty on the inside

2006-04-26T16:03:00.001+08:00

Intricately I have woven you
I smiled when I placed
that bit of mischief
my many gifts of love
my custom design personality in you.
My heart brimmed with much love
When I blew My breath in you.
and I rejoiced, for what I made was wonderful.

I delight in that special twinkle in your eyes
In the way you stir in your sleep
In the way you dance
In the way you smile
In the way you are.
You are My child.

My heart breaks
when I see you fall
when you hurt yourself
when you have to be disciplined
yet in your struggles
I want you learn, to grow
and to come to Me.

I called you Mine
when you were alone
I stood by you
When you rejected me
I persisted
I just cannot let you go.
Not when I know that you will be lost.

Always remember
that you are meant to be
close to me, my child.
and that you are perfect
just the way I made you
You are special to me
I have made you beautiful
inside and out.

and I will love you.
This is my promise, until eternity.

*jottings*
The title of the image caught my eyes.
The stamens and pistils of the flower was so intricately placed.

Just like the way God created us
inputting into our lives so much
each event, each pain, each tear
all for a purpose.
just to manifest His presence in our lives and make us know Him more.

And while we are unable to see the big picture
while we agonize and struggle
We choose to trust God

is it beacause we have gained understanding of God's hands in ourlives?
it might not be so.
but mean while we trust.
Simply because He loves us,
and He is the very defination of good.

The process, is hard
but we press on in obedience and in love.

How great it is,
That the Maker of heaven and earth
would choose to make our hearts His dwelling place
would choose to make us beautiful
In His time.

2 Corinthians 4:6-11

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"
made his light shine in our hearts
to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay
to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed.

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus,
so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake,
so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

-------

Exams to end soon
3 more papers to slave away.

mean while
Am picking up pieces of my life
seems like I've been picking up pieces for a very long time,
but now I know God takes care of me.

to those who have been an encouragement in any small way as I struggle
I am deeply grateful.

It has been pouring the past 2+ hours
It's refreshing.

Nothing better than to know that there is a rainbow after every storm ;)

take care :)

behind the tree

2006-04-23T07:46:00.000+08:00

This brings to mind many many things

Things now and things before,
thorns in my heart and thorns on my being.
Thorns for a purpose, if it weren't for them,
there will be no growth, no tears.
Thorns to give be a chance to be healed.
A chance to be broken for His use.

Obstacle looming large and tall
intimidating at sight,
seemingly impossible to overcome.
but have I forgotten
to see the promising light behind the boulder
to call to mind His promises to me?

and yet
He does not merely stands behind the tree
but He is beside me
in me
facing whatever that comes my way
with me.

I might not see Him always
nor do I feel His strength and presence
all the time.
But I know that He purposed things as they are
for His glory.
and I know, above all that He loves me.
Proven by His work on the tree.

His Light shines behind the tree,
in my life.
Eternally.

Eyes Shut

2006-04-22T13:25:00.000+08:00

The memories come crushing in
Resistance is futile.
Weakness is ever evident.
I have failed

I'm too tired.
I have no control
even until my days are drained
and all is left is my trembling shattered heart

It's always easier to paint the smile
on my tear stained face
It's always easier to pretend to be strong
then to open up and let God reign.

I hurt
bitterness overflows
my heart wonders far away
barren and trampled.

Yet Your love beckons me
You, my Heavenly Father
when You open Your arms
taking me in, filth and all.

Your presence simply heals
showering love into my empty soul
Whispering into my being
"You'll always be Mine"

Your scarred hands holds mine.
finally I can shut my eyes.
You are watching over me.
I have found rest.

Aftermath

2006-04-22T04:59:00.000+08:00

Of what?

I pray that I can rise up above all these, surely my God is greater than the things I see.

Spend the last 5 hours searching and fine tuning the new template.

I'm glad I haven't forgotten how to twiddle with html codes.

This post is dedicated too all the fighters our there.

Those who feels choked down by circumstances and many other things in life.
Those who feels that the load they have is too heavy to put joy into their hearts.

Lets us strive together knowing that no matter how hard it is, rest is still found in our Lord Jesus.

And all in all, it is for His glory.

Phillipians 3:12-14

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.