La Finale
It's now 4.18am, been tweaking html codes since 12am, Yes its time again for a skin change.I know a few friends who have the habit of keeping journals. I don't really have the discipline to do so, and yes I do write down some private thoughts now and then, mostly will end up on the blogsphere, one needs to read between the lines of my posts even more as time passes [and I get more jaded? :P] to understand the real conflict. So I guess in many ways I am still a writer who writes for an (imaginary?) audience.So as people wind down to the final pages of their journal, they start looking for a fresh new book to write in. I start looking for a fresh new skin to use. And with it, a new theme, a new growth, a new season. But still the same God.And as one who journals likes to flip back the dog-eared pages, to unwind memory's clock and remember the jumble of life's sweet and sour, I too click on the long forgotten archives and see what more than two years of memories are worth.So I journey along the path, I remember the tears, and the laughter, I recall the idealistic thinking that I once hold, and the way that I have chosen. I touch the scars and remember the struggle. Even more I see God's faithfulness, and His love, imprinted in every page, whispered behind every heart's cry, and His grace, that has brought me safe thus far.This blog has weathered many growing pains and storms, from being a new believer to post STPM, to my 'eventful' trip to Taiwan to my shaky beginnings in University.
And I am thankful, for every torn and tear, for every friend and foe, for every smile and struggle.Because each painful inch of growth has bought me only in one direction, which is closer to the Father. Indeed all things works out for good for those who love Him.Looking at the final portion of this volume of my virtual journal. Indeed I am enthralled by His grace over my wretched life. The road is still long, but may my soul learn to rest, under the Shadow of the Almighty.
Verbal dump III
well today is another FINAL day of studying. Yawn and I am hungry, Quantum Mechanics might as well be in greek or french or something, nyahaha I would have just understood the same amount. But never mind that. I am eating KFC later. huhuhu. I think I am addicted to type like this (I know la you can enlarge the font) but maybe I have too much things pent up that now I am doing mind detox. hmmm, still I guess I will continue blogging normal after awhile, detox too long and you become aneroxic. Speaking of eating disorders, I think I have a problem with the I eat now. :( I struggle alot to eat healthy portions of food and in the end i end up eating way too much aka binge. Another part of my concern is my health condition, my family have a medical history of getting heart problems, cancer, diabetes etc no matter how active thier lifestyle is. It's pretty unerving and I really want to exercise self control to keep my body healthy, so that I can do more for God. I think I will go and ask for a full body check up soon (really wanna muster the courage), having black, hard growths directly under my skin for a few years now ( I just hope that I am being paranoid). Well enough of that, lately I am also getting very frustrated and irritated with certain people, I guess maybe I care too much about that particular person in a wrong way. But i have learnt from experience to keep moving on. remember my unofficially-failed paper? today i woke up with a sense of dissapointment with myself, I felt that I have indirectly failed my father (both heavenly and earthly) in a way where I did not try my best. Should have studied since early in the semester, but then it is already the past and I can't change it but I can change the present and look forward to the future, so I am moving on in that too. I hope that I can do better the coming semester even tho I foresee that I will be busier with CF. May God discipline me and teach me to use my time wisely. I also know that I have trouble surrendering to God, but He is indeed gracious to help me, even if it means pain here and there, but my God gives me grace to endure. Like the song From Kutless, All Alone. //It seems like life is out to get you//to destroy what you want// I know that you blame me for all that you go thro//it could be so different if you would just let it go// If you would change your prespective// life is not always what you want// you're all alone// running out of ways to// hold on to hope// and it always slips away// you're all alone// but you don't have to // pretend to cope // there is a brighter way.
I don't have to pretend to cope. I am entirely dependant on my God who loves me.
and so
I got a new calculator to replace the new one, the Casio fx570-ES. Which has basically the same functions as my previos fx570-MS, but with NICER display. huhu. and easier to key in and switch modes. Enough of Calculator. Anyways I do not know why, maybe it's because of the exam that I really enjoy typing like this because it keeps people from reading things that I do not like them to read. Oh well. That's a whole other issue. Anyhoos I'm sure I'll resume the normal default mode soon, I just like to for once type out every single thing that goes thro my head now. I guess it must be a form of theraphy when I am in high stress. Speaking of what goes thro your head, haha a huge spectrum of thoughts went thro my head during today's electromagnetic theory final paper. Well the hours pre exam was like super stressful, I think i stressed myself too much di. When I opened the exam paper and stared at the question. My mind totally went blank, out of the 3 question required to answer I only manage one question and a little more, but still with questionable accuracy. I could not recall many concepts and formulae as easy as I use to in F6, I guess it's the price that i am paying now for slacking ALOT this semester. Well, taking that into account, I tried very very hard during the study break to catch up, but i guess it really is too late. Used one hour out of the two allocated to answer the little parts that i know (I think I know) and the other hour ransacking my brain for hidden information. T_T it was stressful at the beginning cuz i was so upset with myself for not being able to answer the questions, I already know that I flunk the paper unless some miracle happens or something. Haha I used my calculator for the sole purpose of estimating my CGPA if I failed and have to resit, ironic hor? And the more 'resah' I felt, the more I could not concentrate, so I prayed and miraculously I felt better. The peace that I at least knew that I had tried my best. and tho it's highly probable that i will fail the paper, I just had that peace within me. What was regretful was i could not perform up to the expectations of my lecturer. but i know at least I tried, with all I possibly can and that made the difference. But the lesson was learned and I really hope that i can do better next semester. I guess in a way God is teaching me how to rely on Him, many times I am just too stubborn to ask God to help me in my studies, but this semester is the first time. Indeed we need to see the depravity of our own efforts and turn to God for His abundant blessing. Well my last paper is on Wednesday, Quantum Mechanics. I hope that I will not fail this too. But all I can do is to try my best. So I'll be studying the whole of tmr, guess I better go to bed now.
Ta.
don't read.
note: nonsensical words ahead, no editting what so ever.well let me tell you one thing, i lost my calculator about two weeks ago, it's one of my most sentimental items. It has been with be through the horror of form 6 and STPM, well, already frustrated di, told dad and got a good nagging on keeping my things, i hate exam period, it's when i lose the most things. well if it weren't bad enough, after a getting a brand new calculator 6 days ago, it was missing after i took my psychology paper on thursday, can you imagine how freaing careless and stupid i am to repeat the same stupid mistake twice. which means that in the span of two weeks I lost TWO scientific calculator amounting to almost RM100 and to think that this is not the first time that i am loosing stuff, since i entered uni, i lost my wallet, hand phone, pencil case and calculator, many of them whereby i missplaced or dropped them. how stupid can one person be anyway, oh wait i forgotten to look in the mirror, the best example. I just don't understand how freaking careless can i be. so i spend the the whole of last night until four am trying to find whether I've missplaced it in my room, no avail. I have a difficult paper each on next monday and wednesday and i wasted the whole of yesterday looking for the stupid calculator. gave up at 3 am and went to take a long cold shower and slept with my hair wet, couldn't have cared less di. woke up at 7+ today morning and walked all the way to the exam hall, desperate to get back my calculator but no la where can get back one, i should be thankful that at least i did retrieved my missing wallet (cash missing) and hp. so we don't expect lightning to strike at the same place twice hor. so right now I am banging on my laptop's key board before it gets late enough to go to kota raya to get another calculator, and you know what else is bothering me? is because people who used to be missing in your life suddenly comes back and act as if they can just fit in like nothing happened and then you have to adjust yourself to accomodate them. I am just getting pretty fed up and my patience is stretched to the maximum di. does it mean that I have not forgiven them? well. I was never really angry with them i guess somewhere along the line i just gave up and who are they to come back to reclaim that spot in my life anyway. But never mind that, social graces keeps me acting prim and proper and oh so diplomatic. I am no longer that teenager full with angst. but it doesnt mean that i do not have pent up emotions. hypocrite? you bet. and you know what in alot of things i'm just plain fed up, so i started running away from Him, no one knows how hard is it to follow Him, and so hard to trust Him, It's so hard to trust when you grow up in a place where there is none. Where adults just LIE bluntly in your face, where you know that in this world there really isn't a single person that will not at one point of time hurt you. and oh you know about the love of Christ, but are you too jaded for it? have you lost the heart that longs after Him? of cause you know that He loves you but every time you look at your stained hands, you just simply cannot comprehend such love. why? because it was never present in your life anyway and you grew to believe that you of all people does not deserve such love and do not even understand. Never forget that peoplen will always dissapoint you, that way you will hurt much much less. How? should your heart be continously made of stone? or should you let go and let Christ take over. I have taken too much pain to say a definate yes. But help me trust in His love, even if all things fades and i die. May my being know that everyone around me can lie, but He never does, He never will.
Leave now. Please.
[click to go to original site, wonderful poem(lyrics?) there]I stand under the pouring rainI have been so used to you providing me shade.So used to your comfortBut now I stand alone.Oh how naive was I to ever think that I could ask you to extend your kindness and hospitalityyou, after all was not mine to keep.Perhaps along the journey you made me thinkfor a moment so briefthat I could actually covet your company.For a fleeting secondI actually believed in your promisesand as the sunlight dancedI actually cherished youAnd perhaps I actually figuredthat hanging on to you was what made my life differentand that I have the right to ask you to stay.and for that one momentI actually trusted you.and let down my guarda stupid assumption to do.For both your sake and mine.oh how those once warm wordsnow frozen into hard ice by my expectationspiercing and chilling. Hurting.and oh how could I actually at that one momentbelieved that I did something to merit more from you.How could I forgeteven for that one momentthat my past will stand tall against usand nothing you do can stop this pain.So as you leaveand as I learn to pick up the broken piecesdo not come backfor the sake of me and my sanity.and yet I made it a pointfor you never to know, to never see these tears.and no longer will I ask morethan what I actually deserve from you.which is not more than a passing smile.
and when I look at what we have
I was the one holding the knife.*jots*I am having a hard time. Stop being so selfish. Stop being envious. Stop being so sensitive, so demanding, so sad, so everything.I am beginning to hate myself.
What happens
When you crap with your roomate 2 hours before your paper.Last night
Suit: (to Jia) To fulfill your narcism, and to entertain you while I am in the toilet, here this wall paper is for you. You can stare at my laptop.
This wall paper
Today Morning.Suit: *turns on laptop* Wah! SO refreshing to see this first thing in the morning, better than any morning greeting.Jia: Ya la. This picture very nice leh. You see the sky and my shirt the same color, the flowers and Adele's shirt also same colour so harmonious, so...
Suit: . . . .
Jia: *continues* ... Well I think we should enter this snap shot into some photography competition or something.
Suit: HAHAHA and what category should we put it in?
Jia:Ya lo, that one is what I can't decide.
Suit: Of cause la, it is to beautiful to be described by mere words.
Jia: YAYAYA.
Suit: ... (failed sarcastism)
Moral of the story:
1) A picture speaks a thousand words. Literally
2) Pre-exams stress increases one's lameness exponentially.
3) The way to counter sarcastism is by perasanism.
4) Toothpaste and tooth brush marketing directors interested in asking Jia to be your model can kindly leave your comment. XD*Readers go blind by the light reflected by Jia's pearly whites*
Everlasting
“I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love.
With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”
Jeremiah 31:3(part)
Everlasting love.
It means forever
It means independent of who you are and what you do.
It means love that transcends all understanding.
It means I'll never leave you.
Everlasting love.
It means courage in the darkest hours.
It means companionship in the loneliest time
It means comfort in the deepest hurt
It means hands to hold, arms to carry, shoulder to cry on.
Everlasting love.
It means I forgive you
It means letting you choose
It means I’ll wait for you.
It means laying down my life for you.
Everlasting love means saying
"You are worth every bit of it."
"But God demonstrates His own love towards us,
in that while we were still sinners,
Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8
Stop it already
Stop giving me false hopes,I do not want to have you hurt me that way again,but when I look at what we haveI saw that I was the one holding the knife.
I'm sorry.I do not know who we are to each other anymore.
